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storiesand poems i like from other peopel by vaporousDagger

Stunning Words by Evalnia


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Submitted on
January 14, 2013
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Semi-sweet dances of the ethereal
mixed with the magic of ministry
and the silhouette of a dream
once seen, once found.

I walked along the foggy boardwalk
of my imagination,
danced with the past in expectation
of a future together.

We lived that night, that morning
in ways we wanted to forever,
meanings and messages around us,
living, breathing, pulsing within.

The careful obstructions remind us
why we came here in the first place,
who we arrived with and why,
and when we're scheduled to leave.

The mist is clearing, messages too,
and clarity appears like a rainbow,
a concrete sentence of truth
in a sky often filled with clouds.

The dance never ends,
nor the walk through the fog,
but together we know,
the illusion is just.
I loaded this poem yesterday and got no responses and very few views, so I'm trying again with a different upload and a new title.
:iconwaterstride-sunrise:
Before I start, let me just apologize for not getting to this one sooner. As I said, I was rather busy over the weekend, and just got back from an exam. However, more to the point:

This one has a lot of implied contrast in it, i find. The first two stanzas (stanzae?), to me, give a sense of loneliness, yet equal contentedness. The next, however, feel as though they're centered around a strong bond--maybe, maybe not romantic, maybe just mutual trust, but a breaking of the loneliness of some sort. I like it for that from an emotional level.

From a rhythmic standpoint, however, I feel this falls flat compared to some of your other pieces. I see that it was a free-write, and can respect that, but I found myself at times being broken out of the immersion by parts that just didn't roll off the tongue quite right. The one that comes to mind is the second line of the second stanza. The break there just feels a bit too arbitrary. I would've put the break after "imagination" instead, just to keep the pace better intact. The second last stanza as well, I feel, ends on too short a line, perhaps in need of an extra syllable just to line it up a bit better.

Overall, this reads to me like an excellent concept with a bit of abstraction which, while not necessarily bad, just isn't in my style.
What do you think?
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:iconstarlightshoals:
StarlightShoals Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2013  Student Writer
I very much enjoy the dreamlike quality. It feels like it floats on air...and as someone with an invested interest in rhythm, I think this flows very well. :)
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:iconangelenroute:
angelenroute Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2013  Professional Writer
thank you! :)
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:iconangelenroute:
angelenroute Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Professional Writer
re: critique just submitted...obviously it was free form and yes it breaks in many ways from my style, but I like it a lot...that said, I will definitely look into reworking it even more, especially with your thoughts about line breaks and pace...very much appreciated
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